40 Days and 40 Nights

I have been single for a year and half now.

If you were to ask my friends how long I have been single, they would look at you with a puzzled face and ask if you were talking about the same person. I usually bounce back from dating someone really quickly. I don't invest much time in a relationship once I see a red flag or I get bored. And I move on to the next guy without a problem. I am sure you are reading this and thinking, "this girl sounds like a major hussy!" No, I am not. If you have read my previous blogs you will know very well that I am waiting until my wedding night. I just have a certain knack for dating a lot. I'm really quite a catch ;)

The problem I have run into, is that when you keep dating without a break between to get your bearings is that you lose what it is that you are out to accomplish in the first place. Let's face it I am no spring chicken. I hope to get married but not anytime soon. Hopefully by the time I am around 35 I will be married and planning on kids.

Bouncing from date to date or month long boyfriend to boyfriend has cuased me to lose the enjoyment in the dating scene. Dating is suppose to be fun and full of butterflies! But when you have dated and dated and dated, it gets old and stale real quick. Most importantly, I have gotten to the point that I am starting to settle for the kind of guy I would normally not settle for. I have gotten to the point that I am so tired of bouncing around that I would rather settle and be semi happy than wait it out and be totally head over heels in love with the one I am suppose to be with.

So, last Friday I decided to give up dating for 40 days and 40 nights! It did happen to fall on Lent and no I am not Catholic. I have made it through my first weekend date free! This is quite an accomplishment for me! This time will allow me to clear my head. I will be able to establish what it is that I am looking for in a mate and what I am not. Having it all laid out before hand, will allow me to weed out those guys I might have settled for in the past. I am really looking forward to this new quest I am on. And I plan to share it with all of you on a weekly basis.


And just a side note. I really get a kick when I tell a guy he will have to wait x amount of days before he can call me because I am on a "Lent" It makes one great conversation starter and certainly keeps them guessing. And if it doesn't, then he isn't the one for me anyway and can keep going on about his business.

This is a good thing. And I hope that more men and women will do it. Clear your head, get grounded and then get back on that dating horse. More to come.....

Not just nice guys.....

Whoever came up with the saying nice guys finish last, may want to include the female gender as well.



While out for coffee with my gal pals this past weekend, we discussed the life of being single and the availability of guys out there. Not just guys, but good guys.....you know the ones I am talking about. Now, before you guys get all wrapped up in knots we weren't really guy bashing. There are still a few good men left out there. What we have a problem with is actually dating them when you have.....how can I say it nicely......ummm...sluty girls to compete with.



Now, I am a good Christian girl. And so are my girl friends. We all have a pact that despite the mistakes we may have made earlier in life we will be pure on our wedding day. We hold each other accountable. We talk about the dates we go on. What places are appropriate, what outfit keeps you looking nice but doesn't send out the wrong intention, when to come home and when its okay to keep the date going.



We girls like to go out for a night on the town every now and then. Get dressed up, have a nice dinner and share a bottle of wine. Our competition however, likes to "dress up" go to dinner and see how many shots they can do. And these are usually the girls that men are attracted to.



And, before you go off saying then you are looking to the wrong men.....don't even get me started. Some of these are Christian men. Some of these men look to good Christian girls and date them. The ones they can take home to mom at Christmas. Because we don't go out and get trashed. We dress in an appopriate manner. We make a vow to God to wait until our wedding day. We don't use foul language. And were not sticks in the mud. We know how to have a good time, but we do so with limitations. This certainly sounds nice to guys. But they are the same guys that see us as a challenge. Like we are meant to be conquered. On dates they want us to drink with them. When they see a little skin, they think that is an invitation. And no matter how many times you may tell them "no" they still push the issue.



Our question is "why"?

Why is it that guys say all these nice things of the kind of girl they want, but in the end its the opposite that seems to win?

I am not at all complaining. I am actually content at waiting on my Mr. Darcey. I know that the man God has planned for me to marry will come. Its the junk keeping me busy in the mean time that is a little annoying.

And don't go thinking that "ahh, she must have had a bad date this weekend and needs to vent." Thats not it at all.

I just want to know. Why guys say that they want this one thing, and when it is right there before them they either try to change it or toss it aside.

So, in my opinion it's not just the nice guy that finishes last, there's girls out there too. But I don't mind waiting. I'll have my dignity and respect at the end of it :)

Now what?

So, I am home from my very first mission trip to the Dominican Republic. Why didn't anyone tell me that getting back to the States wouldn't be the same as coming home from a weeks vacation in the Florida Keys?

Don't get me wrong. I loooooveeeed every moment of the Dominican. It was a culture shock. I had no idea people lived the way that they do down there. I mean, the Americans that live in my inner city......they look wealthy. Once all my thoughts are in order, I will write about the Dominican.

So, now what? That is my question.

I got home. I walked into my 3 bedroom, 2 bath 1 car garage house and as my luggage fell to the floor at the door I cried. Why do I need this house? Why do I need 3 TV's? Why do I need all this stuff?

Seriuosly, I could sell my house and get an apartment and sponsor 5-8 of those little boogers that I had wrapped around my neck.

I see all these changes that I didn't expect. Changes in the way I see Americans. Changes in the way I view life. Changes in what I want to eat......did you know there are like NO fat people in the DR?! Changes in the way I view Christians. And the more drastic day to day changes are a possibility of switching churches, I have had career oppurtunities present themselves in just the one week I have been home, and people asking me to volunteer at functions that I have never even considered (not that that is a bad thing)

So, how do you come down.......feet on solid ground and finally grasp everything I have done and everything I have seen? How do I finally make the whirl wind of change STOP. And then finally say........now what? What is it that I am suppose to do? What is it that I am suppose to have a hand in changing? Why is it that God made is possible for me to go on this trip?

Now what?

I am a junkie

My name is Angela and I am a cell phone junkie.

Whoo, there I finally said it.

I never knew I had a problem. My friends pointed it out to me time and time again. But still, I ignored their pleas to straigten up. Finally, something inside me just clicked.

I don't go anywhere without my cell phone. The mere thought of it not being on me at all times, well that can send me into panic overload. I have been half way to work and needed to turn around and go back and get it.

It is always at arms length. It sits on my desk, in eyes view. It is on my lap while in the car. I carry it around my house while I clean from room to room. It stays in my apron pocket when I work at the bookstore. When I take a shower it is on the toilet seat and when I go t to bed at night, well it sleeps on the pillow next to me.

I can't make it through a family dinner or being out with friends without carrying on two or more conversations via text while still chatting away with whomever is across the table. While in meetings you can always hear the silent vibration of a cell coming from someones purse (mine) and everyone always giggles that it is constantly ringing.

My cellular obsession is becoming a problem. And it is high time that something be done about it. It is interfering with my job and friends and family. It is a very serious additction and I would like to get it under control be for it controls my life and eventually takes over.

I have decided that since it is an addiction, that a 12 step program would be the best place to start:

STEP#1: "I admit we were powerless over cell usage-- that my life has become unmanageable."
STEP#2: "Came to believe that a Power greater than myself can restore me to sanity."
STEP#3: "I have made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understand Him." (Emphasis in original.)
STEP#4: "Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of my life."
STEP#5: "Admitted to God, to myslef, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs."
STEP#6: "I am entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character."
STEP#7: "Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings."
STEP#8: "Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all."
STEP#9: "Made direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others."
STEP#10: "Continued to take a personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it."
STEP#11: "Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out." (Emphasis in original.)
STEP#12: "Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to cell phone junkies, and to practice these principles."

I know to some of you this may be really stupid. And yes, it is funny to write this out. But I am seriously addicted to my cell phone. My friends are tired of coming second conversation in the middle of dinner and movies and cookouts just so I can answer who is ringing in an this little plastic contraption.

Anyway. When things from the outside world start replacing those that are most important. Well its time to make a change.

My first order of business: I am going to turn this little booger off on Sunday. It's God's day. It's the Sabbath, and maybe I should start there and keep it holy. So, as my friends. Stand by me on my new found quest. Starting Sunday my phone will be off. I will not answer calls or text.

This is Angela and I am a cell phone junkie

Reconciliation

My pastor has started a 13 week sermon based on Matthew 5-7 Last Sundays sermon was on Reconciliation. When I read the email letting me know what the sermons title was based on, I thought "Hmm, this won't mean much to me. I get along with everyone!"





Websters definition of reconciliation is: to return harmony, make compatible or settle amicably an make acquiescent


I am not needing to make harmony with anyone. I like everyone I am in contact with. Needless to say, I was wrong. And there were alot more people in the congregation just like me.



This guy Carl came up and gave his testimony. He told of how he and his father had a strained relationship for some time. They went years without even talking to each other. Then while on a Mens Retreat, it surfaced. There was a man from our church that talked with him about how he needed to reconcile (there's that word) with his father. He gave three reasons on why he needed to do this:





1. to not repeat history with his on children, family and friends


2. to bridge that gap he was creating between him and God. The anger he had toward his father was preventing him from growing closer to his heavenly father


3. its a commandment, honor your father and mother





As most of you know, my sister and I were adopted by our dad when we were young. My "sperm donor of a father" gave up all rights when we were very little. So, I have two dads. I have a "dad" and I have a Dad.





I haven't spoken to my "dad" since I was about 3 or 4. He was a dueche bag. The things he did were of a man with a very hateful and sinful heart. Giving my sister and I up was the only good thing he probably ever did.





I have spent the last 20 some years hating him. He never called. He never wrote to me. Never sent pictures. He wasn't there and he didn't want to be. Honestly, it hurts to know that your own flesh and blood wanted absolutely NOTHING to with you at all. Had completely written me off, never to think of again.





As a child, it hurt. I didn't realize it did. I had a Dad. He was there when I started school, at all my plays and sporting events and he loved me like I was his very own. But that doesn't fill that rejection that I felt down deep.



Deep down, I have always wanted to meet my "dad" I want to know if I look like him, do I at like him or talk like him. What are my other grandparents like? What are my brothers, yes I have brothers and I wonder what they are like.





Then last year I got a call from my "dad" On the voicemail he acted like he had no clue as to who he was calling. Two hours later I called him back. We spoke for about an hour. Of course he told me how much he loved me and always missed me. He tried to bring up memories of our place in South Carolina. He said he always wanted to contact me, but wasn't sure if he should.

I don't know why he decided to contact me this day. So, now after a church service I am faced with the idea of having to forgive my father for all the years I have held a grudge against him. It's painful after harboring something for so long, and honestly I don't know if I will do and I don't know when.

Much prayer will be needed on this one......

Miss. Independent

I was talking to a friend last night. Just casual chit chat about life and dating and relationships. When he stops me mid sentence and says, "You don't want a man. You're Miss Independent!" I was shocked. He went on, "You are confident, you can do anything you put your mind to. You have accomplished so much in the past few months, without a man. You don't want a man. In your mind you don't need a man." And still he went on and on.



I hung up feeling like I had been punched in the gut. It was already late, and this schmuck had just unloaded on me something I had been trying to avoid. So, I was up more than half the night thinking of what he had said. Disecting every part trying to fit the pieces together of where he was wrong.





In todays society, a woman has to fend for herself. That doesn't neccasarliy mean that she wants to. Me for example. I have a career, a job and a home. I am responsible. I show up for work everyday. I work hard and I play hard. I clean my home from top to bottom every week. I bathe the dogs every week, and if you know my dogs, that is quite a task at times. I cook every night. Not just something I can throw in the microwave real quick, I am talking a main course and one or two sides. My garage is orderly and clean and then you get to the outside yard. I mow, I trim the bushes and weed the flower bed. I plant new flowers and I try to have as big a garden I can, seeing that it can fit in with my work schedule. I attend church every week. I am involved in two Bible study groups. I make time everyday for my devotions with God. And I read books that help me establish my relationship with Christ. And I do all of this on my own. I don't ask for help. I don't complain about it. I don't let the work go to the way side. I get up, and do it. Why? Because I am a responsible confident woman. And, as I started out....this doesn't neccasarily mean that I want to. It's just what I do.





One of my favorite chapters in the Bible is the Proverbs 31 woman. I have been striving to be more like this woman since my mid 20's. She is strong. She is confident. She has so much love and respect from her children and her husband. She is a diligent worker. She contributes to her household. And she does all of this without a word, without a complaint. She does what she has to do. And they call her blessed.





If they call her blessed where does this guy get off? I am doing everything she is doing. The only thing missing is a husband and some kids. Then I started thinking, maybe I am suppose to wait until I get married to be this woman? Maybe my confidence is scaring men off just like he says it is. Maybe, maybe, maybe.....





And then it came to me. Proverbs 31 was written by a mother to her young son, who would someday be king. In verses 1-9 she covers his role in leadership. Verses 10-31 she advises him on the type of wife he should seek, one who will be far more valuable than jewels. She taught him to memorize this scripture by the Hebrew alphabet at a very young age. Taught this way he learned it quickly, memorized it and it was "permanently etched into his heart." By the end of the alpahabet this mother had instilled this vituous woman's qualities into his heart soul and mind.



Proverbs 31 10-31 was written by a mother, telling her young son what he should look for in a woman, a wife, a mother, a companion, a business partner and a confidant. This woman that she is setting before her son, is at the moment a young single woman. His future wife should already possess all of the characteristics before they are married!



So, my friend is wrong. And I am sure it will be a topic of conversation in the near future. Yes, I have quite a ways to go before I can fully demonstrate the characteristics of this Proverbs 31 woman. But I strive for it daily. I etch those verses on my heart on my soul and in my mind. And, just becuase my one friend may not see it, my "King Lemul" will.....when we finally cross paths.

So, we should look at this as the Proverbs 31 woman once was Miss. Independent

What? I am a legalist?

Before I start, I just want all you Calvary people to know this is only MY opinion. So I hope you won't be offended, but maybe some of you have felt the same way.

Let me start at the beginning. I was brought up in a charsimatic Assy of God church. It was a tongue talkin' holy ghost filled dancin' in the aisle kind of church. You would think, compared to most churches that Calvary was a very liberal and excepting church. And, in some areas it really was an open loving church. But at the same time it was a condeming church. I learned you do this....you go to hell, you do that.... you go to hell. It's no wonder that once I got into college I went buck wild crazy. I mean, I was going to hell anyway according to them. Might as well as have fun doin' it. One thing with me. If you push me, I will bolt in the other direction. And that is what I did. A complete 180 away from Christ and away from the church.

And so, lets bump it up a few years to December 2007. I was at my home church listening to Pastor Stan teach a sermon on God's grace. He was saying how the Pharisees were so bound by legalism that people were frightened into Christianity. They pretty much scared the living tar out of you. For his illustration he had an 8 foot wooden cross on center stage. It was 10 inches wide about an inch thick. He laid the cross down and tried to walk on it like a balance beam. His arms were stretched out, so he could keep his balance. And as he tried to walk across it, he was demonstarting what the Pharisees said was God's grace. The Pharisees were so bound by the law, that walking with Christ was like walking a tight rope. And to fall! Well, it's pretty much a done deal for ya.

I completely got what he was saying. For the last 20 some years I have been trying to walk my life on a tight rope. Afraid of just what might happen if I stumble and fall, or what is going to happen since I know I already have once or twice.

But then Stan turned the cross over, to the flat side of the board. And he then proceeded to walk across. Yeah, if he walked to fast and got ahead of himself he would fall off the edge. But he could walk across at a smooth pace, not needing his arms out to keep his balance-God's grace was the width of that board.

I felt my jaw drop as I watched him gracefully walk backward and forward on that board. It was like a light had gone off in my head. I don't know that I could really put into words what I felt to watch him do that. All I can tell you was that my life changed from that point on. It was like a veil had be ripped from my eyes. I was seeing God's grace in all his glory.

There is nothing wrong per say on having a legalistic view. I just never knew I had it. And I still have some legalistic views on some areas and I am not bothered by that. What I have to do now is research, WHY. I don't want to say I believe this or that because a preacher shouted it at me from the pulpit. I want to stand firm on my beliefs and say I believe this because I read it right here in Gods Word.

Calvary was a good church. And I wouldn't trade the memories in for all the money in the world. I just wish that I was taught exactly what the Word of God said. I wish I would have known that great men of the Bible fell once, twice maybe even three times in their walk with Christ. Maybe then I wouldn't have strived to been so perfect. Maybe I would have been okay with the fact that I am a born sinner and that no matter what I do, I will sin time and time again. But I am blessed with the grace of God, my Lord and Savior and he will forgive me time and time again.

Now I need answers to my legalistic views. So, I am seraching. I look in the Word, the internet (which if you do that, always find scripture to back it up) and I ask my most trusted friends.

Here is a list of websites I have gone to to get answers:

http://www.rbc.org/
http://www.bible.org/
http://www.preceptaustin.org/
http://www.biblebb.com/
http://www.ccel.org/
http://www.crosswalk.com/
http://www.studylight.org/

Discipline yourself for the purpose of godliness; for bodily discipline is only of little profit, but godliness is profitable for all things, since it holds promise for the present life and also for the life to come. It is a trustworthy statment deserving full acceptance. For it is for this we labor and strive because we have fixed our hope on the living God, who is the Savior of all men, espcecially of faithful.

1 Timothy 4:7-10